When first we got to know the filthy-rich Quartermaines, at the head of the table sat curmudgeonly patriarch Edward (originally David Lewis), a blowhard so formidable, the furniture at the mansion had to be nailed down, lest it be swept away during one of his outbursts.

Only one person really brought out the sweetness in Edward — and yes, there was a smidgen in ol’ crankypants: his beloved wife, Lila, aka the heart of the forever-feuding family.

In the ’80s, Edward’s illegitimate son Eric — better known as Jimmy Lee Holt — showed up in Port Charles looking to get his piece of the pie. But he soon became more interested in getting himself a slice of Pop’s distant cousin, the beautiful Celia Quartermaine.

In the ’90s, we learned that Edward had also conceived a child with blues singer Mary Mae Ward. Ill-fated Bradley’s son Justus eventually went to work at Grandpa’s conglomerate, ELQ — but only briefly. No one could put up for long with the endless “Paw Paw always liked you best” arguments.

Years later, Edward’s maternal great-granddaughter — got all that? — passed through Port Charles and got mixed up with the illegitimate stepson of sorta-aunt Tracy Quartermaine. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s, for a moment, get back to basics, shall we?

Initially, Edward only acknowledged two of his children, the ones that he had with Lila. However, he had to have had second thoughts about claiming as his own Alan, a skilled surgeon who was more infamous for “playing doctor” than any operation he ever performed. (Fidelity was simply never a part of the Quartermaine DNA.)

Ah, but a match nonetheless. Alan found his perfect partner in fellow doctor Monica Webber, who loved as much as loathed him (and vice-versa, conveniently enough). To this day, no couple has ever taken sexual one-upmanship to the extremes that they did!

Edward’s mercenary daughter Tracy was such a chip off the ol’ block that she once refused to provide him with life-saving medication unless he reinstated her in his will. What? Did we forget to mention that among Edward’s hobbies was Liquid Papering relatives out of his will?

Tracy’s first husband, Larry Ashton, put on airs like the rest of us do underwear. And he was just the kind of cheap-ass rapscallion who’d happen to be in the neighborhood when he heard the cheerful pop of the cork on a bottle of bubbly for which he wouldn’t have to pay.

At least Larry gave Tracy a wonderful son in Ned, seen here at his wedding to Olivia Falconeri with his bride and Aunt Monica… with whom he once engaged in a torrid affair series of tennis lessons. Again, what? Serving is hot!

We don’t want to say that Ned’s daughter with wife No. 3 Lois Cerullo has a habit of landing herself in dire straits. So, um, we’re going to let this image of incorrigible Brook Lynn in her natural habitat do it for us.

Speaking of Ned’s third former wife, Lois is the rare individual who bares her (well-manicured) claws and gets fired up instead of backs down when around onetime monster-in-law Tracy.

Olivia’s one-night stand with mobster Julian Jerome (RIP) added to the Q crew Leo, whose apparent interest in juggling was sure to come in handy when he wound up with a girlfriend too many. (Mark our words.)

Olivia’s marriage to Ned made Dante Falconeri his stepson. Which made his wife Lulu Ned’s… hmm… we wanna say stepdaughter-in-law? But is that even possible, when Tracy’s marriage to Lulu’s dad Luke Spencer also made the young woman her stepdaughter? See, this is why Ancestry.com exists.

Tracy’s third husband, Paul Hornsby, did the unthinkable: He canoodled with Ava Jerome, a bad girl so wicked, she made the she-devil look like a nun. Oh, and also, he was a serial killer. (What can we say? Ava has a type.)

This is not a picture of the breakup of Tracy and Paul’s son Dillon and Ava’s daughter Kiki… but it might as well be. Their sweet romance came to a screeching halt when he left Port Charles and cheated on his significant other. (Again, faithfulness… not a strong suit among Quartermaines.)

Though A.J. turned out to be the son of Monica and Alan — not, as feared, her lover, Rick Webber — his parents always preferred Jason, a byproduct of Dad’s extramarital fling with Susan Moore. And this remained true even after Stone Cold became a brain-damaged Mob hitman; A.J. was, anyone would tell you, a lot.

Even A.J.’s son Michael adopted Jason as a father figure, whether he needed protection behind bars or someone to help entertain baby Wiley during a photo shoot. Now if only someone could’ve told them that they were smiling at a lamp and the camera was actually over here.

A back-from-the-dead Jason (then Billy Miller) was busy bonding with also-back-from-the-dead son Jake when everyone found out that this wasn’t Jason at all but his twin brother, Drew, who subsequently died in 2019… and then came back from the dead. No wonder the boy’s mom Elizabeth Webber keeps Kevin Collins on speed-dial!

When Jason rose from the grave to reclaim his life, wife and wardrobe, he and Danny, his son with on-again/off-again true love Sam McCall, had a lot of catching up to do.

Drew’s resurrection gave him a new face and abs (those of All My Children vet Cameron Mathison), a new boo-boo and the same old seat at Quartermaine family dinners.

What should have been simply a joyous occasion — the arrival in 2023 of Michael’s daughter with Willow Tait — was complicated to the nth. Not only was the little girl being hurried into the world to save her leukemia-stricken mother, the gambit didn’t pay off, not at first, anyway: Willow left the O.R. for the other side.

No matter how many times General Hospital cast and recast Monica’s illegitimate daughter Dawn — and it tried a lot! — the character never stuck. So after bopping for a while between Ned and Lucy Coe’s cousin Decker Moss, the ingenue was killed off. And we mean killed-killed off.

After Monica underwent cancer treatment with ill-fated Paige Bowen, she got the bright idea to adopt the deceased’s daughter. “Pass,” said young Emily (originally Amber Tamblyn). But she soon came to appreciate her new family as much as they did pizza instead of turkey on Thanksgiving Day.

Following Emily’s murder at the hand of the Text-Message Killer, we — and her loved ones — learned that she had a twin sister in Rebecca Shaw. “Pass,” said everyone involved.

Over the years, the Quartermaines came to regard at least a few of their household staff as family. Among them? Reginald Jennings, the nephew of manservant, er, Jennings, who came by the look of madness in his eyes quite naturally. (Can you imagine working for the Qs for any period of time and not going at least a little bananas?)

Edward (ultimately John Ingle) had his work cut out for him making a point with Big Alice Gunderson, who moonlighted from her day job as a domestic as a wrestler nicknamed the Dominator.

For weeks upon his introduction in the summer of 2021, Austin wouldn’t disclose his surname — with good reason, it turned out. General Hospital wanted to make the most of the surprise that Maxie Jones’ rescuer was — gasp! — the heretofore-unknown son of Jimmy Lee and his second wife, Charity Gatlin.